Desperations of a Teenage Housewife[y]

Well, I guess I couldn't expect everything to stay perfect forever...

I started college, and absolutely loved every second of it, until I started having pregnancy complications, and had to be put on bedrest. Soooo, now I have to take off the rest of this semester and go back in February.
I'm a little disappointed, but I know it's for the best. Plus, it gives me time to adapt to life with the new baby...

My little boy finally started walking. !! It's too adorable. He thinks he is king or something now. Lol. Walks around like he owns the house. HaHa. The only problem with that is he isn't going to like it so much when his brother arrives.

I've been thinking about things alot lately. I have too much time on my hands, and I'm laying around making myself miserable. I went from feeling like I had total control of everything, to realizing that things are slowly going down the drain.
I'm losing control over my finances, which is odd because budgeting was something I took pride in. However, now it seems like money is getting away from me, and with a new baby coming this is the last thing that should be happening.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at this point too. I feel like a bad Mom again because my head seems to be constantly elsewhere, and I feel like a horrible provider because I've lost control of the house. The only thing I'm not completely blaming myself for is the rut in my relationship. I've come to accept that I can't be the best girlfriend right now and take care of him, when in times like this he should help to take care of me...lmao. But the only thing he really helps with is making life more hard on the rest of us...[I won't even go into it, my head can't take it.]

So hopefully this all will pass and I'll get back into the swing of things soon. I'm 37 weeks pregnant, have low fluids, and go for non-stress twice a week, so I understand why I'm probably miserable. Right now I guess the only thing I should be worrying about is getting enough rest to keep both me and the new baby healthy...

So, everything is settled in the new place, and I have to say I absolutely love it. !

For the first time since my son has been born I feel alive and happy from head to toe. I'm finally finding myself again and figuring out what makes ME happy. It feels so amazing to regain my youth and love life again.

I have waited so long to feel like I've had control over my life...

......And also, Mommy life is going well, and my relationship is going surprisingly great. ! I can honestly say that I think the stresses of not being settled was what was causing the problems in my life.

Everything is going right...

Wow, so there have been alot of ups and down these past 2 months or so...

Daddy has been out of town working, and being that I'm 7 months pregnant, I've been having a hell of a time chasing after my son. He's 11 months now, and he only wants to go, go, go. Lol. So the past month I've been having constant, excruciating lower body pain, and I'm thanking god that his Dad comes home today. !! I'm hoping things work better between us also, since we've had this little break...

... I got another apartment, and have to move, AGAIN. So I'm not looking forward to all the work I have to do this week. I'm also not looking forward to moving out of my current apartment that I love so much...but this new one is in a more convenient location...so it looks like it may work out for the better.

...Little ones birthday is coming up. 1 year. ! Woo.! Made it through alive...only to start all over again with the new baby in November...
Not sure how to handle party planning, college, new apartment, and new baby all within the next 2 months...

Still smiling tho. =]

<<< The baby camel eating Niko. =]



Me and Niko at the petting zoo... >>>

Wow. So I'm kinda stressed, but on the plus side, I have a babysitter for tonight. =]

I've been sort of focusing on myself alot lately, trying to find some sort of inner peace with myself, and yesterday reality just hit me.

I was riding the bus, on my way to the store to get things for my new apartment and for Niko, and there were these women on there just talking about everything under the sun. I wasn't really paying attention until one of them starting going on about how girls under 21 had no right to have kids, and she didn't want to "pay" to help us support our kids...and so on.

I was pretty much really offended, because I don't think its fair to generalize us mothers under 21. Especially when there are alot of us who work really hard to be good parents and to provide a good life for our children.

Why isn't anything ever said about older mothers who aren't the greatest role models. ?? Because I know alot of them. I know alot of Mom's who let their kids do whatever, whenever, live off of others, and just don't care. How is it that they have more of a right to have kids than I do. ??

I have my own place, I'm in college, I have a baby's father who is involved throughout every aspect, and I work really hard to provide a nurturing and loving environment for my kids.

I understand that alot of young Moms are irresponsible, and don't provide a good example for the babies they are responsible for, but in no way should their actions speak for the rest of us who work just as hard, if not, harder, than older Mom's.

I just feel sorry for whoever that woman was. She obviously had something up her ass to feel it was her place to bash young Mom's right in front of me and my son. At least I had enough respect to look the other way and not speak out on how rude she was for purposely trying to offend a random stranger, for absolutely no reason...


...So because of that experience, I realized that I don't give myself enough credit. I am noticing how hard I actually do work, and that I am giving my son all that I can.

It felt nice to finally feel like a good Mom, and that the things I'm trying to do are great things. I have hope that sometime soon I'll be a little bit more ahead in life, and if I keep on this path, it won't be long until I'm at the place I want to be. =]

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written...but that's mainly because I am so embarrassed of the things that have happened lately.

To start off, even after having so much trouble adjusting to being a new Mom, I come to find out I'm pregnant again. I obviously hadn't grown up enough.

Now I'm 20 weeks and I'm having another little boy, which is kind of dissapointing. But who am I to be all upset? I'm obviously just a child that can't grasp the real concept of life.

Oh, and to top it all off, I recently left my children's father. The relationship was unhealthy, and although I did contribute to some of the problems, he was just a real big jerk, and I didn't deserve to go through everything I was going through.

So...looks like I'm kind of another statistic.

On the upside, I did get my GED, and I am enrolled in college, starting this fall. ! =] I'm going for Office Administraton and I'll have my degree in 18 months. =]

I guess for every good opportunity there is always going to be a few things standing in your way...

Wow. So today didn't go well at all.
It's a long story, and I'm not going to explain it all, but the point is, tonight is mine and baby's first night without Daddy.

I know its probably only one night, and even though I'm capable of taking care of my own son, I can't help but feel a bit nervous. It's 8:30, baby's sleeping, and I'm just hoping to God that I can get through this smoothly.

I feel so dumb by saying I miss him. Knowing that I've spent every day with him, but tonight I go to sleep without him there beside me. I try to look at the bright side, telling myself it's good that we get a night's break from each other. Lately, we've been arguing more than usual.

I wish we never had a fight earlier. Even though we've made up I feel like we are starting to drift apart. I shouldn't treat him the way I do. I know I've went on with this before, but even though I realized how badly I need to change, I'm just not getting any better.

When am I going to be better for them? When am I going to take a step that actually matters? What is the point of me being a different person if its only for one day? I'm doing good one day, then wake up the next and I'm that horrible person again.

I prayed my whole life I would never be like my Mom. I'd treasure the people that care for me, and I wouldn't make everyone miserable. I also told myself that I'd never make myself miserable, but I am. I was never the one to have a short fuse, but now I get angry about things that normal people wouldn't. I've lost myself. And I'm having a hell of a time finding the person that I use to be. And I feel pressured because I know my fiance wants to be with the one he originally fell in love with. Not the woman I am becoming. She's no good for him. She's no good for my son. And she's definitly no good for me.